Welcome to the Church of Bitcoin, where logic gets baptized in Kool-Aid and Satoshi Nakamoto is the unverified second coming. If you’ve ever dared to question Bitcoin’s validity, then congratulations—you’ve probably been excommunicated from every Reddit thread and Twitter space that ends in #HODL.
Let’s dive into this sacred lunacy and explore why Bitcoin is not just bad money—it’s a full-blown cult with worse fashion sense than Scientology’s ceremonial uniforms.
The Gospel According to Satoshi
Every cult needs its mysterious founder. Enter Satoshi Nakamoto: the digital messiah who wrote a whitepaper, disappeared like a magician with no encore, and became the figurehead of a movement that now rivals CrossFit in cultish devotion.
Bitcoiners talk about Satoshi like Christians talk about Jesus—except Jesus didn’t ghost his apostles and leave them arguing over gas fees and forked chains. At least with Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard showed up long enough to sell some books and get rich. Satoshi didn’t even take a royalty.
Evangelists With Laser Eyes
What do you get when you cross financial desperation with Reddit and just enough tech knowledge to sound smart in a bar? A Bitcoin maximalist. These guys don’t just believe Bitcoin will replace the dollar—they believe Bitcoin is money, God, and salvation rolled into one.
They’ve slapped laser eyes on their profile pics like they’re in the X-Men. They wear Bitcoin merch, attend conferences where they high-five each other for not understanding macroeconomics, and spew jargon like “blockchain immutability” like it’s scripture.
Spoiler alert: shouting “Fiat is dead!” doesn’t magically make your imaginary internet coin superior. Especially when your magical money loses 30% in a single weekend.
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The Book of Bull Market Revelations
Let’s talk prophecy. Every bull market is heralded as the moment. “Bitcoin is going to $1 million!” they chant, usually while refinancing their homes to buy more Satoshis. If it dips? “It’s just a shakeout, bro.” If it crashes? “BUY THE DIP.”
These folks are more committed to self-delusion than people who think “The Matrix 4” was a good idea. Their blind faith is admirable, in a tragic sort of way—like watching someone invest their entire 401(k) in Beanie Babies and calling it “long-term wealth preservation.”
Bitcoin Conferences: Crypto Comic-Con Meets Pyramid Scheme
Imagine Comic-Con, but with fewer costumes and more financial ruin. Bitcoin conferences are like religious revivals: the believers gather, speakers preach to the choir, and crypto bros nod solemnly at phrases like “digital scarcity” and “sound money.”
Meanwhile, somewhere in the shadows, influencers are quietly dumping their coins on the followers they convinced to “stack sats.” If you thought televangelists were sleazy, wait until you meet a Bitcoin influencer shilling an NFT yacht club.
The Tithes and Offerings of the Blockchain
What cult is complete without money changing hands? Only, in this case, the money isn’t even real—it’s 1s and 0s on a public ledger maintained by power-hungry servers in Iceland. You can’t spend Bitcoin at Walmart. You can’t buy groceries with it. You can’t even buy a decent joke coin without paying an Ethereum gas fee larger than your lunch tab.
You tithe by buying and holding. You proselytize by sharing screenshots of your “gains” from 2021 while conveniently ignoring the red waterfall of your portfolio in 2022. It’s not a religion of giving—it’s a religion of HODLing until death do you part or until your spouse files for divorce due to “crypto addiction.”
Bitcoin is Saving Venezuela! (And Other Crypto Myths)
The cult’s favorite defense mechanism? Pointing to countries in economic collapse as “proof” that Bitcoin is changing lives. In reality, Bitcoin is about as usable in a crisis as Monopoly money in a house fire. It’s slow, it’s volatile, and unless your grandma in Argentina knows how to secure a cold wallet, it’s as useful as Dogecoin in a power outage.
These claims are about as believable as a Scientologist saying they met Xenu on a Carnival Cruise. But hey, if it sounds morally righteous and distracts from the Ponzi vibes—why not?
HODL or HELL: The Threat of Apostasy
Try telling a Bitcoiner that you sold your coins and you might as well say you microwaved their dog. Dissent isn’t tolerated. You’re either “in” or you’re a fiat sheep, destined to suffer when the “hyperbitcoinization” arrives—which, for the record, is a made-up term used to sound like a Marvel villain plot.
Unlike normal investors who can admit a bad trade, Bitcoiners would rather die with their cold storage wallet than admit maybe—just maybe—they bought into a glorified math puzzle with no actual use case.
Final Blessings: The Church of Common Sense
Look, you don’t have to be Warren Buffett (who, hilariously, hates Bitcoin) to see through the noise. Bitcoin has no intrinsic value, no earnings, no assets, and no actual control mechanism. It’s literally digital scarcity wrapped in cultish hype and fueled by the greater fool theory.
It’s a faith-based system—and not the good kind. The kind where every dip is divine punishment, every spike is divine prophecy, and every critic is a heretic.
So before you sell your kidney for a cold wallet and a ticket to Bitcoin Miami, just ask yourself one thing: What would Satoshi do?
Probably disappear again. And never respond to your DMs.
Disclaimer
This content is satirical and for entertainment and informational purposes only. Nothing in this post should be taken as financial advice. Please consult a licensed financial advisor before doing anything remotely stupid with your money.
